I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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