The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
