Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
