Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
