On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
