he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
