did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
