Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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