I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
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