I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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