My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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