my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's official drugs can't kill me
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
