So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
