I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
