So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
