i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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