Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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