my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
