I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
