Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
