Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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