My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
