I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
