I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
