I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
