Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
