come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
