who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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