I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
