Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
