you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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