saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my being single is dangerous.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
