lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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