hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
