i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
