the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
