he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
