you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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