Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
