I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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