It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
