I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
