nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
