i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
