i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
