It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
