I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
