What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
