He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
