i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
