Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
