checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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