non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
