Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
