why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
